Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Spam Doctor

My mother has a nickname - the "Spam Doctor". The "Doctor" part is actually non-descriptive, but it just sounds better than "Wizard" or "Addict". She's one of those people who forwards a mass email to her family and friends about various things at least once a day. People stop me on the street, people I don't know, or in shul, and tell me to thank her for sending it. Sometimes it's about the benefits of tomatoes for "men's health". Other times it's someone's poignant account of survival, often in Russian, and always with a moral lesson for an ending. I try to read at least half of them, you know, to show respect. But why should you be deprived of the Spam Doctor's treatment? Without further delay, here's today's installment.
Jewish Mother

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?'  Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob

Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

Moral:   Never lie to your Mama . . . especially if she's Jewish.
Sigh. Ok, I'll keep that in mind.

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